BYOBFF: Be Your Own Best Friend Forever Kick the Mean Girl Out of Your Brain
- sbrennanmsw
- Jul 3
- 4 min read
By: Kayleigh La Gray, Marriage and Family Therapist Intern
Have you ever noticed or thought about how the meanest person in your
life may be a lot closer to you than you think? Not the neighbor blasting
music after midnight or the co-worker you got off on the wrong foot with. I’m
talking about the voice in your head that says, “You’re not good enough,” or
“What makes you think you can do that?” She can be exhausting to deal
with… and truthfully, she’s got to go.
It’s still early enough in the year where people are so eager to start their
self-care and make themselves a priority. With that, why don’t you truly
make this year about YOU and BYOBFF – be your own best friend forever!
Let’s talk about how to silence our inner mean girl and replace her with the
best hype woman you have ever had… YOU.
Meet the Mean Girl in Your Mind
Negative self-talk is the inner mean girl that loves to bully us. Corey et al.
(2018) states that the inner critic is the inner voice that criticizes us and
makes constant judgments about our worth. Instead of giving her the
power, why not take back that power to change her mindset about you?
Yes, we all have days when we don’t feel our best. And that is okay. No one
is on their A-game 100% of the time. But part of self-growth is recognizing
that that is okay! Here is some good news: just like you wouldn’t (at least I
hope you wouldn’t) let a toxic person trash-talk you from sunup to
sundown, you don’t have to let this inner mean girl control your thoughts.
How to Dump Your Inner Critic and Love Your New BFF
1. Flip the Script
When a friend talks to you about their self-doubts, do you find
yourself agreeing with them or disagreeing with them and saying
something more positive? As the queen you are, I imagine you would
tell them, “Hey girl, you are not a failure; you are just learning!” Do the
same with yourself. This is called thought reframing. Owens and
Morin (2024) state that reframing can be a helpful way to turn
problems or negative thoughts into opportunities for change and
growth. Next time you hear that mean girl say, “That was a dumb
mistake,” take that thought and reframe it to something positive like, “I
am a human, and I make mistakes, but I am learning. There is
nothing wrong with growing pains!”
2. Name Her and tell her to GTFO.
Recognizing when your thoughts are coming from you or that mean
girl is essential. A simple way to do so is by giving her a name. Is that
mean girl, Negative Nancy, Judgy Janice, or Critical Cathy? Whatever
you decide. Again, take back the power! Next time she opens her
blabber mouth, recognize her and say, “Cathy, I hear you, but I do not
have time for your lies today.”
3. Practice Self-Compassion
Self-compassion and self-love are more than treating yourself to a $7
Starbucks Coffee or a trip to Home Goods. Trust me… I look forward
to the days when I can walk around Home Goods with my coffee in
hand with no cares. But self-love is so easy when we are feeling
good. What about on the days when we are struggling a bit? That’s
self-compassion. In practicing self-compassion, we also practice self-
kindness, acknowledging that we may be experiencing difficulty or
stress, soothing ourselves with comforting words or actions, and
resisting being hard on ourselves (Nelson et al., 2018). As easy as it
is to give a friend grace on their tough days, do the same for you.
Again, practice treating yourself as your own BFF.
4. Build a Hype Squad
You wouldn’t let your friends, family, or anyone close to you go
through life without support. So don’t let yourself either. A few ways to
build your hype squad can be by listing things you love about yourself
or having positive affirmations written around the house or as your
screensaver on your phone! Research shows that consistent use of
positive self-affirmations is attributed to one’s ability to reduce
negative emotions and negative perception of self (Cascio et al.,
2016). As girls, we love to hype up other girls we see in public during
brunch hour. Those comments of “YAS GIRL, YOU BETTER SLAY”
should also be spoken to yourself in the mirror each day.
5. Celebrate Small Wins
In our society, we often disregard our little wins. Why is it that we only
celebrate big things like job promotions, engagements/weddings, and
buying a house? Don’t get me wrong, those are all huge
accomplishments. But what about the small wins? Got out of bed
when you didn’t feel like it? Win. Sent a scary email you have been
pushing off? Win. Scheduled that therapy session? Win. Followed
through with Friday night plans with your friend group? Win. Learning
to cheer yourself on, even for the little things, teaches your brain that
you are worthy of praise and encouragement.
Final Thoughts: New Relationship Status… You + You = Forever
Here’s an existential thought for you… the longest relationship you and I
will ever have is with ourselves. WOAH. That being said, you are glued to
your hip forever. Literally. Why settle for a mediocre or toxic relationship
when it could be a great Hallmark story? Ditch that mean girl, embrace self-
compassion, and become the best friend you have always wanted. Your
happiness depends on it. You got this girl!
References
Cascio, C. N., O'Donnell, M. B., Tinney, F. J., Lieberman, M. D., Taylor, S. E., Strecher,
V. J., & Falk, E. B. (2016). Self-affirmation activates brain systems associated
with self-related processing and reward and is reinforced by future
orientation. Social cognitive and affective neuroscience, 11(4), 621–629.
Corey, G., Schneider Corey, M., & Muratori, M. (2018). I never knew I had a choice:
Explorations in personal growth (11th ed.). Boston, MA: Cengage Learning.
Nelson, J. R., Hall, B. S., Anderson, J. L., Birtles, C., & Hemming, L. (2018).
Self–Compassion as Self-Care: A Simple and Effective Tool for Counselor
Educators and Counseling Students. Journal of Creativity in Mental
Health, 13(1), 121–133. https://doi.org/10.1080/15401383.2017.1328292
Owens, H., & Morin, A. (2024). What is cognitive reframing and how does it work?.
Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/reframing-defined-2610419
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