The Perfectly Imperfect Match: The Do's and Don'ts of Dating with Intentionality

Dating Do’s and Don’ts

No matter where you are in your relationship—even if it hasn’t started yet—following some basic do’s and don’ts can help ensure you start a potential relationship with a strong foundation.

Do

1. Put yourself out there. Dating is a numbers game—just like the lottery. The more you put yourself out there, the better your odds. Sure, a small number of people might meet a perfect match straight out of the gate, but most people need to date A LOT before they really connect with someone.

2. Make a list. Before you register for any dating apps, put together a non-negotiable list. Maybe you won’t date anyone who doesn’t want children, or maybe you refuse to date a smoker. Putting those things on paper will help ensure you get your needs met.

3. Know what you want. In addition to outlining what you don’t want (or won’t tolerate), identify what you must have in an ideal mate—without judgement. Think of prospective dates as job applicants. If they don’t meet the minimum requirements, you’re not going to request an interview.

4. Find a partner. Yes, you’re trying to meet your romantic match, but if you’re able to compare notes with a friend who is also on the market, you’re more likely to enjoy the process and feel supported in your efforts to find the right match.

Don’t

1. Force it. It can be tempting to try to make a relationship work, particularly if you’re tired of being alone. But if a prospective partner doesn’t feel like the right fit, it’s best to cut your losses early in the process.

2. Go on chemistry alone. If you’re feeling a lot of chemistry with someone, it can be easy to ignore the red flags, or even your non-negotiables list. But if you take a step back and assess the person just on facts, you’ll be less likely to let chemistry cloud your judgement. Pressing pause to identify toxic behavior patterns that have held you back can help you move forward with more confidence.

3. Buy into the Hollywood ideal. Sadly, the meet-cute formula that plays out so well on the big screen rarely happens in real life. Jerry Maguire is a classic example. If you’re looking for someone to complete you, your best bet is to get out of the dating pool and learn how to complete yourself first.

4. Jump in before you’re ready. Before you meet the mate of your dreams, you want to be your healthiest, most authentic self. If you’re fresh out of a breakup or struggling to understand some of your patterns, take time to work through those issues with a therapist. There’s no shame in taking all the time you need to discover who you are and what you desire in a partner before you take the plunge.

Dater’s Survival Guide

Dating is difficult and it’s important to nurture yourself through the process. Whether you're new to the dating pool or back on the scene after a break-up or divorce, maintaining your sense of humor and perspective is critical.

It’s easy to fall down the rabbit hole, clicking on profiles and comparing yourself to others. Resist the urge. There really is somebody for everybody. Don’t let fear and insecurity hold you back. The only way to achieve true love—to meet your best match—is to show up as who you are.

Happy Hunting!

Shanda Brennan, MSW, CSW, LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, psychotherapist and founder of Let It Be Psychotherapy serving clients in California, Colorado and Utah. Shanda supports women at all stages of life to grow, heal and find the emotional balance they seek. More information on Shanda can be found in her profile located under "Meet Our Therapists."